While parking my car recently, I looked up to see a new day spa being completed. Amazed at the proliferation of these day and away spas, I began to reflect on the notion of retreat, a well-respected and ancient practice recognized by most cultures as a way to renew and sustain personal well-being. I recently returned from a poetry retreat in Baja, California, where, nestled in a sleepy coastal village within walking distance of the ocean, my room was filled with a cacophony of bird song. Yes, the sound of poetry and word play I came for soothed me, but I found the sounds of nature a balm as well for the internal chatter of my busy mind.

What is so important about taking time away from our daily lives? While women are well skilled at juggling many plates simultaneously, there is also a debilitating cost. We end up craving opportunities to rest our brains and souls. Neuroscience tells us shifting our brain activity strengthens our long-term health. Periods of rest, right-brain activity and lack of constant stimulation create a sense of balance and well-being.

For our mothers, going to a spa or simply getting a massage might well have been out of the question; today, however, self care is increasingly accepted in our culture as valid and necessary rather than as mere indulgence. It is no surprise we participate in exercise and stress reduction programs, meditation, yoga, spiritual practice and community building—all ways to feel less overwhelmed by a myriad of activities. Such time is as necessary as diet, exercise, work, family and community involvement.While parking my car recently, I looked up to see a new day spa being completed. Amazed at the proliferation of these day and away spas, I began to reflect on the notion of retreat, a well-respected and ancient practice recognized by most cultures as a way to renew and sustain personal well-being. I recently returned from a poetry retreat in Baja, California, where, nestled in a sleepy coastal village within walking distance of the ocean, my room was filled with a cacophony of bird song. Yes, the sound of poetry and word play I came for soothed me, but I found the sounds of nature a balm as well for the internal chatter of my busy mi

Living longer lives and no longer circumscribed by family obligations, women are seeking more ways to contribute on a significant scale. Not surprisingly, one of the biggest questions I hear in my practice from women of all ages is, “What shall I do that will both bring me a sense of satisfaction and make a difference?” Many women are realizing that such introspection requires time away from their day-to-day lives.

A retreat is useful in removing us from ordinary routine, allowing natural rhythms to reassert themselves and surprise to enter. We can seek this through a walk, a drive in the country, a day at a spa, or lunch out with a friend. Even participation in such communal activities as a book club or poetry group can lead to insight. There seems to be an upsurge lately in the domestic arts, thoughtful activities that slow us down. One day I had three women—strangers who had never met—in my waiting room talking about picking out yarns for knitting! This ancient craft has returned with a fervor, not just because it is cool, but because it is restful and enjoyable.

If you have been putting off that need to retreat, whether for several days or just a few hours, don’t wait. You will get back more than you might imagine in terms of self-nourishment, surprise and insight.

IMG_1297“The rest-note, unwritten, hinged between worlds, that precedes change and allows it.”

from “The Door,” by Jane Hirschfield.

How about a gratitude buddy?

Last fall, when life seemed to be deep in pressures of all kind and I seemed to be lost in others suffering, I reached out to a dear friend to inquire about being a gratitude buddy?  We have known each other through studying spiritual disciplines together over the years, share a common thread of our work and raising children about the same age.  I said, ‘what the heck’ she can say no.  But that is not what turned out to be the case.  This daily practice of sending an email to one another to say just what we are grateful for and about has proven to be a bedrock practice that reminds both of us to see to good in our lives and that of others.

It really is simple, I heard the suggestion on a pod cast of one of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Tara Brach and it hit home or my heart.  It is rather simple, just say yes to someone, write as often as you can (cuz life happens).  It takes about five minutes really, just say one or two things that you are grateful about, even if it seems like nothing…find one little thing.  And send it off!

Here is a favorite poem of mine that I believe inspired me to just keep going, to find just one thing, one good thing, one thing to be grateful about, to say ‘Thank you’ and mean it!

Arms Full of Wildflowers

Gratitude means showing up on life’s doorstep,

love’s threshold, dressed in a clown suit,

rubber-nosed, gunboat shoes flapping.

Gratitude shows up with arms full of wildflowers,

reciting McKuen or the worst of Neruda.

To talk of gratitude is to be

the fool in a cynic’s world.

Gratitude is pride’s nightmare,

the admission of humility before something

given without expectation or attachment.

Gratitude tears open the shirt

of self importance, scatters buttons

across the polished floors of feigned indifference,

ignores the obvious and laughs out loud.

Even more, gratitude bares her breasts, rips open

her ribs to show the naked heart, the holy heart.

What if that sacred heart is not, after all, about sacrifice?

Imagine it is about joy, barefoot and foolhardy,

something unasked for, something unearned.

What if the beat we hear, when we are finally quiet

is simply this:

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

– Rebecca del Rio

Threads of Connection

‘To be the change we seek’ Gandhi


While this has been a week of many losses,  family members of friends, a cancer patient of mine, Nelson Mandela, those that are suddenly ill….I will not tire of being present to what it takes to be human. I recently heard a question on a dharma talk…
‘What stands in the way of love, unconditional love?’
I come to that answer with two things, fear and unprocessed grief. Life does not afford us the leisure to grieve or feel things in an ongoing way it seems. My meditation practice is what keeps me at least in my body to feel and stay awake to naming what does come to the surface or even sit undigested.

‘What stands in your way of love?’

During these days of watching, listening, reading of Nelson’s contributions and great suffering, I was reminded of how we truly are all connected. I felt for awhile the world stood still in silence for more then a few moments. Have you taken a few yourself?

‘There is an endless net of threads throughout the universe. The horizontal threads are in space. The vertical threads are in time. At every crossing of the threads, there is an individual, and every individual is a crystal bead. And every crystal bead reflects not only the light from every other crystal in the net, but also every other reflection throughout the entire universe.’

Rig Veda

The Journey of Breast Cancer: How Myth and Archetypes Support Healing in Contemporary Times

I was recently walking on the beach and chose a route that took me to a seemingly solid sand bar. But when I arrived, I realized that when I stood there the waves were lapping around my ankles and I was sinking! The waves were helping the sand to dissolve underneath me, leaving me suddenly gasping and darting as fast as I could for solid ground.

When a woman hangs up the receiver from a phone call, or is sitting face to face with her medical doctor who conveys her worst fear–a breast cancer diagnosis–her life is no longer on solid ground. When each woman waits for this news, she begins a journey that will take her through a descent and ascent that is deeply personal and life changing.

Our ancestors as well as our cultural icons have lessons for us. Each of us remembers a favorite fairy tale, a story that we returned to again and again. We have sometimes lived our lives in accordance with these early childhood myths. We know that Dorothy made it home from Oz, Snow White woke up, and that Cinderella went to the ball and was no longer the maid to her wicked stepsisters.

Within these fairy tales lies an archetype, the symbolic and reoccurring themes that exist in all cultures and are unaffected by time and space. Within these myths are the forces of light and dark as active ingredients in the outcomes reflected in our lives.

When you get a breast cancer diagnosis, your life is forever changed. But there is an ancient myth that can provide hope and guidance for this journey. Within this myth, there is hope that step by step you will find the path rising to meet you that will provide the support needed to not just survive, but to thrive.

Inanna, Queen of Heaven, Earth, and Beauty was a Sumerian goddess dating back 4,000 years ago. She descended to the underworld, passing through seven gates, losing parts of herself along the way that would in the end assist her in reclaiming her strength and courage to survive, ultimately ascending newly formed.

Inanna’s is the oldest tale we have of the journey of death and rebirth. Her story speaks to us of the tremendous power that can be gained from risk-taking and trusting one’s intuition. We learn of her independence, courage, resourcefulness and, ultimately triumph.

Inanna learned to sacrifice, and strip away what was no longer needed. She laid exposed, her soul undefended, for a long time. And she ascended with wisdom that comes from accepting and finding her abilities to let go and transform. This journey was an invitation to allow her true, essential nature and beauty to emerge.

As your own true nature and beauty will emerge through your treatment, these are often the gates that you will travel. With each of these gates, there are lessons to be learned and support for healing.

1. A questionable mammogram
2. A biopsy/sonogram toward diagnosis
3. Decisions for treatment
4. Surgery: sacrifice of the body
5. Treatment which may include loss of identity, hair, sexuality, energy, life style, physical limitations and onset of menopause
6. Fatigue/Exhaustion: battle or war with the cancer itself and side affects
7. Depression, fear and despair at times

When Inanna descended she faced the worst of her fears, and within your treatment to survive, you will also ascend with new gifts and wisdom. You will form a support team with friends, family, and community learning to reach out for help. You will receive care and love, let go of shame and learn to live with fears that you once thought impossible.

What was once impossible becomes a reality. Here are some some steps to find the path underneath you.

When Something Shocking Occurs:

When something shocking and life-changing occurs abruptly, it is time to sit down, have a cup of tea, and call your family or best friends to help you take it all in. Perhaps before you make any moves, this is the time to sit still, take five minutes to slow your breath down, calm your racing thoughts and feel your body begin to absorb these life changes. You are inviting this kind of practice into your life from this point on as a way to self-soothe and cope with your fears.

Spend Time in Nature:

Find a little bit of time to walk outside, sit in the sun, go to the beach, find a grove of trees, a lake or stream….Nature is one of the gifts of being alive, so when you need to feel sustained, just breathe in fresh air, or stare into the emptiness and allow nature to join you in your healing.

Finding Comfort in Music:

One of the lessons for abrupt change is to find the most comforting things on the planet, things that at the time might seem silly or even strange. At those times I listen to some of my favorite oldies, songs that got me through times that I thought I couldn’t make it through. I recently learned about both Spotify and Pandora on my iPhone or computer. I find that I return again and again to songs that helped me through those hard times. Is it Classical, New Age, Jazz or Funky Rock? Listen with deep comfort for your soul.

Write Your Heart Out:

If you have never been a journal writer, this is the time to write about everything and anything you want, just for you. Find just the right notebook, with the right feel to the pages, either blank or lined. Find the pens that feel good, colored pencils, crayons, watercolors…anything you want. Journaling can bring solace when nothing else works, whether in print or on a blog–it’s a way to write your heart out.

Who is Your Support Team:

Who is going to be on your support team? I think of this like a hula hoop, who is going to be your inner circle? Who is going to be with you every step of the way? Who is going to help with medical concerns? Who is going to answer the phone at any hour of day or night? Who will drive you if you need it? Who will go shopping with you when you can’t or don’t want to? Who is going to make you laugh? Who will sit with you through treatments?
Make a list of these people with their email addresses and phone numbers, and share it with others.

Comic Relief:

What can you do to laugh? What are your favorite funny movies, jokes, comics and friends who are guaranteed laugh buddies? Laughter establishes — or restores — a positive emotional climate and a sense of connection between two people. In fact, some researchers believe that the major function of laughter is to bring people together. And all the health benefits of laughter may simply result from the social support that laughter stimulates.

The Journey:

Any journey is made of many small steps, you become a pilgrim on your path towards health and vitality. In Mary Oliver’s famous poem, ‘The Journey’ she ends with these lines…

determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.

You too will find the ground underneath you, the steps coming from your journey through healing and becoming more truly your essential self. And upon your ascent you will find courage, friendship, strength, wisdom and the innate power to survive.

Breast Cancer Psychotherapy – An Integrative Approach

I have been fortunate within my practice over the years to be able to provide services to woman newly diagnosed, within treatment, and in post treatment for breast cancer.  As a daughter who had a mother die young from another cancer, I was called to be of service to these women and honored by their stories, victories,  defeats, hard work, graces, grueling fears and trust that can develop through this journey. 

I have sat on advisory boards, attended medical conferences, been a key note speaker, advocate in fund raising, and therapist to women/men and their families. I have also triaged alongside medical and alternative healing community leaders.


I first began this journey when long term patients were being diagnosed and undergoing treatment for breast cancer, including all version of intrusive biopsies and surgeries.  After a while I began to see a trend and I got in contact with the best breast cancer doctors and surgeons in Sonoma County.  It was at that point that I began to get referrals along with deeper education about the depth of treatment that was effective for my patients. 

There are a number of symptoms that seem to coincide with breast cancer and there are ways to help mitigate these symptoms through education, psychotherapy and integrative approaches.  The following article was written from a key note speech I gave (shortened and edited for this purpose) for a group of women in the business of wine, many who had been touched personally by breast cancer.

It’s Good For Your Health: Forgiveness

Heart Stone by Paula Sager


Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.

Sidney And Suzanne Simon

Now that the holidays have passed and we’ve made it through the beginning of the year, I’d like to focus on letting go of grievances.  Let’s start out the year with how we can resolve those obstacles that hold us back from truly giving and receiving love, what I see as the last frontier in the healing process: forgiveness. In my work with individuals who have experienced trauma, abuse and challenging life events, I find that forgiveness is vital to the process of moving on, to releasing ourselves from the restraints of regret, past hurts and perceived injustices. It represents a commitment to an ongoing healing process.

It is impossible to live a life that does not offer us lessons in adversity. Bad things happen, both to us and because of us; this is part of the human condition. Good and bad, right and wrong, love and hate are a small list of conflicting ethical and emotional issues with which we struggle every day. Stresses arise in multiple aspects of our lives: at home and at work, within extended family or blended-family situations, in problems relating to our health and that of others, and from worry arising from economic strains.

Maybe you know someone who challenges your sense of well being. Holding feelings of resentment and refusing to forgive can actually create a physical stress response that can increase your risk of heart attack, stroke or other cardiovascular problems. If you focus on this person who arouses conflict and anger in you, your heart rate increases and blood pressure rises.

A simple yet profound way to begin lessening this tension is to imagine you and this individual as worthy of happiness, love and freedom from the restraints of conflict. Try switching your focus to feelings of forgiveness, both for that person and yourself. This may be a stretch in some instances, but when this can occur even in the smallest measure, these tiny steps can start you toward relief and healing and shift your neurotransmitters to a more healthful state. Light, spaciousness, acceptance and tolerance begin to flood your body and soul. You are on your way to becoming a forgiving person.

We must recognize that forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation; it does not wipe out memory or turn a wrong into a right. We may have to find a way to forgive others, if not their actions. We may need to forgive ourselves for our own wrong actions, let go of regrets and loosen the grip of guilt and shame that can keep us trapped in negative states of mind. You can’t expect relief to be achieved all at once, but a gradual shifting of awareness can begin to release you and even the others around you from this inner tightness.

As we move through regrets and hurts and take concrete steps toward changing our emotional relation to past events, we must acknowledge the critical role forgiveness plays in creating connection, community, and life-sustaining choices. We are meant to love and be loved. I urge you to chance removing that barrier from around your heart, and begin again—through forgiveness.

Words of Wisdom

I began to ask the question with others about ‘What Matters Most?’ and one of these people that I inquired is my 22 year old son.  He of course is an extraordinary young man living in San Francisco becoming a graphic designer at California College of the Arts.  Without going on and on about what it is to be a mother of a talented, creative and driven young man, I will quote what he spoke.  We were sitting at his favorite taco bistro in Potrero Hill District  having this rather deep conversation over fish taco’s and burrito’s!

‘When you are satisfied and truly fulfilled in your life you loose the desire to seek gratification through other people’s pain and turmoil.  There comes a point in your life when you want others to succeed as much as you do.  It is our true humanly instinct to be on top socially, especially with people we are close with—-When you hurt another, your are hurting yourself, as we are all ONE and connected to ensure our passion and evolution.’

So I ask you, What Matters Most to you today?